Sometimes I really can’t stand myself.
It’s like I’ve got this darkness/defense mechanisms inside that likes to feed off my weaknesses and insecurities and makes me mean to the people I care about the most to compensate for those feelings. It’s like I’m standing on the outside looking in, not being able to intervene or make it stop. I have to learn how to control it better, but then suddenly the smallest thing or comment from someone else can make it so much worse. I blow up things that are so small they shouldn’t even exist. I wouldn’t call myself a drama queen since my issues are driven by my own insecurities, but they’re still a pain in the ass and so unnecessary. Every time I react on those feelings I end up with a guilty conscience, regretting it and beating myself up in my mind. Not only is it exhausting for the people closest to me in life, but It’s even more exhausting for me not wanting to be that kind of person.
“If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change.” ― Michael Jackson
Some people write songs about their feelings, I write a blogpost.